


Intervention

by yumytaffy



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV)
Genre: Bartender Hans x Mother Teresa Luther King, Ensemble Cast, F/M, Friendship, Humor, fluff (sort of?)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 05:58:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5994034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yumytaffy/pseuds/yumytaffy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Your fighting used to be charming in a Han and Leia way, but in the past month, it’s turned into a nightmare, like Kylo Ren and literally anyone else."</i>
</p><p>Rebecca and Greg’s friends take matters into their own hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Intervention

**Author's Note:**

  * For [angelica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelica/gifts), [Diaphenia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diaphenia/gifts).



> Happy Galentines Day to all of you wonderful land mermaids! 
> 
> This one is a Galentines gift to my loves [angelica](http://archiveofourown.org/users/angelica/pseuds/angelica) and [Diaphenia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Diaphenia/pseuds/Diaphenia) for the unconditional support and evil prompts. Special shout out to beautiful, intelligent marmoset [throwingpens](http://archiveofourown.org/users/throwingpens/pseuds/throwingpens) for the clutch beta'ing.
> 
> This fic takes place in a beautiful post-Thanksgiving episode dream world where everyone is friends and nothing hurts.

Rebecca walks up to Josh and Valencia’s apartment building with one hand pressing her phone to her ear and the other holding her forehead.

“Mom, do not try to set me up on another date,” Rebecca sighs. “No, I do not think that my boobs will be held up forever by miracle bras and false hopes. Mom, listen--no, stop it. I can’t go on any of your dates because I'm seeing someone, okay?”

“You are?” a surprised voice behind her asks.

Rebecca spins around to find Greg watching her curiously. _It's my mom_ , she mouths. He nods but doesn't look convinced.

“Mom, I have to go,” she says into the phone. “I have to deal with a crisis. A lawyer crisis. Yes, it’s real. There’s paperwork _everywhere_. I'll call you back, bye!” Rebecca hangs up to the sound of her mother still talking on the other end.

“What's that about you seeing someone?” Greg asks as she pockets her phone.

“I _could_ be seeing someone,” Rebecca says defensively, then realizes where she is. “Hold on, what are you doing here?”

“Josh 911-texted me and said he pulled his back practicing a Tae Kwon Do move. What are _you_ doing here?”

“Josh texted that he needed help with an essay he's writing to get a promotion at Aloha Tech.” She pauses. “As I say it out loud now, I realize how it sounds.”

Greg looks at her suspiciously. “What’s going on?”

Rebecca raises her hands in surrender. “I’m just here to help a friend. I’m as confused as you are.”

Truthfully, Rebecca is more than a little worried about these cross texts from Josh. He's not one to scheme. Greg is plenty concerned for the both of them, though, so she lets him take the lead on this one.

Still eyeing her warily, Greg buzzes upstairs from the intercom. When Josh answers, Greg says, “It’s Greg and Rebecca. What’s going on? Why did you text us?”

“Oh, hey, guys!” Josh calls. “Come on up!”

They’re greeted at the apartment door by Josh, who cheerily lets them in. “Thanks for coming. We’re really glad you’re here.”

“‘We’?” Greg asks.

Josh leads them into the living room, where Paula, Valencia, White Josh, and Hector stand in front of a row of chairs and a homemade banner reading, “Intervention” in large, red letters.

“Woah!” Rebecca exclaims, both she and Greg stopping at the sight of their friends. “What’s going on? Paula? What are you doing in Josh and Valencia’s apartment?”

“Josh called me, cookie,” Paula says gently. “Why don’t you two have a seat?”

Rebecca drops herself onto the couch across from them, still in shock. Greg hasn’t closed his mouth the entire time they’ve been there, but he quietly sits next to her as Josh falls in line with the group.

White Josh steps up, a folded piece of paper in his hand. “Greg, Rebecca, we gather here as your friends who love and care about you very much.”

Greg finally finds his voice. “What did the two of us possibly do to merit an intervention?”

The group exchanges looks ranging from concerned (Paula, Josh, and White Josh), to angry (Valencia), to ambivalent (Hector).

Valencia, of all people, speaks up, “You really need to deal with this obnoxious unresolved sexual tension between you two.”

“What?!” Rebecca and Greg exclaim.

“Wait,” Rebecca says. “Let me get this straight. This is an intervention for us _to hook up_?”

Paula steps forward. “Honey, you don’t understand. It is driving us all _up the wall_. I thought when you got over that...first thing--” Paula clears her throat and inconspicuously nods her head towards Josh “--you’d be open to that other thing that we all thought would obviously happen.” She tilts her head towards Greg.

Rebecca sits back, surprised. Since Paula and her husband started seeing Father Brah for marriage counseling a few months ago, Paula’s been far more pragmatic and has really let up on her drive to push Rebecca into Josh’s life. The _Twilight_ metaphors have also all but stopped, thankfully. Rebecca’s kind of into it; the second-hand therapy has really helped calm her nerves. But what Rebecca did not see coming was Paula nudging her towards Greg.

“What are you talking about?” Valencia asks, annoyed, from behind Paula.

“Just...give me a second,” Paula snaps, holding a finger up in Valencia’s direction. Paula takes a calming breath and turns back to Rebecca and Greg. “You two bicker _all the time_ and say you can’t stand each other. Then you turn around and can’t talk about anything but how you hate each other. You are clearly covering up how much you're attracted to one another. I mean, of course you're attracted. Look at yourselves. But you either need to stop spending time with each other, which we all know isn’t going to happen because you’re still somehow attached at the hip, or bang it out, so to speak. Or literally.”

“It would be beneficial for all involved,” White Josh adds.

“You are all insane,” Greg says.

“I think it’s sweet,” Rebecca counters, her heart warming at the thought of all of them pulling this together. “Completely wrong but sweet.”

“Look,” White Josh begins, “let’s read our letters so you can see where we’re coming from. Everyone else, take a seat. I’ll start.” He unfolds the paper in his hand as everyone sits down.

“Dear Greg and Rebecca,” White Josh reads, “Rebecca was a very welcome addition to our crew a few months ago--”

“Aw, thanks, White Josh!” Rebecca says, touched.

White Josh nods in acknowledgement and continues, “And we all thought your banter would lead to you two getting together. Your fighting used to be charming in a Han and Leia way, but in the past month, it’s turned into a nightmare, like Kylo Ren and literally anyone else.”

Rebecca and Greg share a confused look and shrug.

White Josh reads on, “We can’t take you anywhere together, and we really don’t want to choose between you two. Last week, you got us kicked out of a club for excessive obnoxiousness because you started fighting about who had the worst concert experience. You both had terrible stories. Nobody won that. We can go back to not getting kicked out of places. You guys can work this out. Probably by getting a room and getting it over with. I believe in you.”

As White Josh sits down, Hector starts to clap but stops when he realizes he’s the only one.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Greg says, his voice muffled by his hands covering his face.

“You guys could just tell us to stop fighting,” Rebecca says guiltily. She looks over at Greg, but he won’t meet her eyes.

“Would that really work?” Paula asks.

“No,” Greg says at the same time Rebecca answers, “Yes.”

“Everyone, please take a breath,” White Josh says calmly. “We’re getting off track. Hector, please read your letter.”

Hector stands and reads stiltedly, “Dear Greg and Rebecca, White Josh told me to write this letter. I really don't care if you two get busy. I just wanted to be part of an intervention because it looked cool on TV. Anyway, you're both cool, and Greg, you really should hit that if you can. Rebecca is hot.”

“Hector, you are so sweet!” Rebecca exclaims, hand over her heart.

Hector winks at her and continues, “You guys would make really cute, ethnically ambiguous babies. Signed, Hector.”

The room is quiet as Hector takes a seat until Rebecca finally says, “That was very honest, Hector.”

Greg crosses his arms. “My friends are idiots.”

“They’re my friends, too,” Rebecca tells him, “and you can’t call them names.”

‘They were my idiot friends first.”

Rebecca feels her blood pressure rise. “This isn’t like claiming land. You don’t own them because you were there first.”

“I’m not saying I own them. I’m just saying I've known them longer.”

“Listen, Serrano--” Rebecca starts.

“This is what we’re talking about!” Josh interrupts. “We love you both--”

“Speak for yourself,” Valencia says.

“--and we want you to be okay. This fighting has to stop.”

“Valencia, why are you even here?” Greg asks. “It’s not like you to, you know, care.”

She stands and crosses her arms. “Look, I may tolerate Rebecca’s presence in our crew now--”

Rebecca can't help the happy gasp that escapes her lips.

Valencia points threateningly at everyone in turn. “No one dare repeat that outside of this room.” She waits for them to nod. “As I was saying, she's around. I’m dealing with it. She’s staying away from my Joshie now, so that helps. But if I have to hear one more second of those two arguing about stupid things like what movie to see or what beer is better or--” She angrily waves her arms as if to capture another example out of the air. “--if that dog on the street is cute--guess what: _the dog is always cute, Greg_ \--I'm going to murder them.” She stares them both down. “Just. Sleep. Together. Already.”

She drops herself into the chair behind her and pouts. “All this negativity is making my hair go flat.”

“Your hair looks beautiful, Valencia,” Rebecca whispers, too excited by the sudden revelation of acceptance to keep it to herself.

Valencia ignores her. “Whatever. That was mainly what my letter said, so I’m done.”

White Josh shakes his head and sighs. “That was truly moving. Your turn, Josh.”

Josh stands and reads, “Greg and Rebecca, I’ve known you both forever, and you’re both so awesome. Greg, you’re my best friend. You’ve been through a lot, and you deserve to be happy, even if you’re too cynical to believe it. Rebecca, it’s still a super weird coincidence that you ended up in West Covina, but I’m glad you did. You’ve made us all better just by being here. You guys are two of the best people I know, and you are more alike than you think. You fit very well together. You could make each other happy. I just wish you could see it.”

Josh gives them a small smile and a nod as he sits down.

Greg and Rebecca remain suspiciously silent.

“Well?” Valencia snaps. “No comments from the peanut gallery?”

“No,” Rebecca says quietly, her eyes a little wet and her heart a lot heavy. “That was really nice.”

Greg clears his throat and keeps his gaze pointed downwards. “Thanks, Josh.”

White Josh prompts, “Why don’t you read your letter, Paula?”

Paula, who’d been watching Rebecca and Greg closely since Josh’s letter, looks at them for a beat longer before saying, “No.”

Valencia laughs. “Wow. And I thought I was cold.”

“You can’t take back your intervention,” Josh says, shocked. “That’s just mean.”

“I had a feeling something was off before this intervention, but I couldn’t put my finger on it,” Paula says, still watching them. “Now that I’ve seen them together, I’m sure something is up. They don’t need an intervention. They’re hiding something.”

Rebecca can practically feel the suspicion burning into her skin. She doesn't need to look at Greg to know he's avoiding Paula’s eyes, too.

“That’s ridiculous,” Rebecca scoffs, trying to save them both while focusing on a spot above Paula’s head. “What could we possibly be hiding?”

“You’ve both been acting weird today, even more so than usual.”

“You’re holding an intervention for us,” Greg argues. “How else would we act?”

“Something happened a month ago that you’re not telling us,” Paula says, still studying them. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner.”

“You’re right,” White Josh says, realization dawning on him. “One day, they were bantering like normal. The next, they’re practically at each other’s throats.”

Rebecca and Greg share an uneasy look. She wordlessly questions if they can come clean. He shakes his head, but she finds herself turning to the group and saying, “Fine. I'll tell you what happened a month ago.”

“Rebecca, you don't have to,” Greg sighs.

“No, they went through all this. They deserve to know.”

Greg shakes his head again but sits back and says nothing.

Her heart is beating in her throat as she admits, “A month ago, Greg and I went out again and gave it another shot.”

“Rebecca!” Paula gasps. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“I know. I'm sorry. We kept it to ourselves because it felt like a lot of pressure to--I don't know--get it right. It didn't work out like we thought it would.”

Greg sighs and leans forward. “We tried being friends again afterwards, but obviously that isn't working.”

“So that's it,” Rebecca finishes, though her shoulders are still weighed down with guilt. “We're sorry we made you guys uncomfortable. We’ll work on it. Whatever that means.”

Everyone looks properly shamed except for Paula, who still looks at them warily.

“I know you, Bunch,” she says. “You have something up your sleeve. I don’t really know you, Greg, but you’re looking shifty, too.”

“Stop, Paula,” Rebecca chides. Her heartbeat is still uncomfortably fast, and the room feels like it's closing in on her. She needs to get out of there. She checks her watch. “I have a meeting with a client in a little bit, so I have to go. You guys are really sweet for caring, though. I’ll see you later.”

She gives a sad smile to Paula, then Greg before gathering her purse and heading out.

The front door is mostly closed behind her when she hears Josh say sadly, “We made her upset.”

“I still think something’s going on,” Paula says, and Rebecca decides maybe she should stick around for a sec.

“There's nothing--” Greg begins.

Valencia cuts in, “Whose dumb idea was this anyway?”

“It was a group decision,” White Josh says calmly.

Valencia snaps, “This was a waste of time.”

“No,” White Josh says. “I think we accomplished something here.”

“I agree,” Josh adds. “We got everything out in the open.”

“What good did that do?” Valencia asks. “Now all we’re left with is this stupid banner.”

“What’s wrong with the banner?” White Josh asks, impatience creeping into his voice.

Rebecca finally closes the door as the volume of the room rises with accusations, creative name calling, and claims that the banner isn’t pretty enough.

* * *

Rebecca has just reached her car when she hears someone call her name. She turns towards the sound and sees Greg rounding the corner towards her.

“Wait,” he calls. “You forgot something.”

Before she can respond, his mouth is on hers, and he’s pressing her against her car, hands around her waist to pull her closer. It only takes a moment to get her bearings and wrap her arms around his neck to enthusiastically return the kiss, making her momentarily forget they’re in full view of the street.

She laughs as she pulls away. “Greg, someone’s going to see.”

“Nah. When I left, they were too busy accusing each other of who had the terrible idea of having an intervention.”

Rebecca steps away just enough to give them plausible deniability in case one of their friends catches them but can’t help twisting her fist in the fabric of his button down shirt.

“I feel bad for lying to them,” she admits, “especially to Paula.”

Her heart flutters when Greg tucks an errant strand of hair behind her ear. “It's their fault. If they weren't so nosy, we would’ve told them the date actually went well.”

“I’ve never had friends who cared enough to do something like this.” She's not used to this, the feeling of having people in her life who do things like stage an intervention just to get their friends to stop fighting. It's nice.

“Most sane friends wouldn’t have an intervention for this,” Greg argues. “And they only did it because we’re annoying them.”

“We should still tell them. We only kept it to ourselves so we could figure out whatever this is without them watching us. I think we’re good now.” She adds hesitantly, “Right?”

“We’re good,” Greg confirms with a smile. “But I really don’t want to give them the satisfaction of knowing they’re right.”

“They didn’t force us together. We already were. Maybe we overcompensated with the fake fighting, though.”

“Speaking of which, what’s that about telling your mother you’re seeing someone?” He looks at her with more than a little concern in his eyes.

Rebecca raises an eyebrow. “ _That’s_ your transition?”

“No, I just meant that we haven’t told our friends we’re dating yet. Should we tell your mother?”

Rebecca rolls her eyes. “We’re not telling my mother, Greg. Don’t have any commitment-phobic panic attacks.”

“I’m not a commitment-phobe,” Greg huffs.

“History says otherwise.” Not that she has the best track record herself, but she's the one with a point to prove here.

“Have you been talking to White Josh?” he asks, hooking an arm around her waist and pulling her closer.

“You really want to talk about White Josh while we’re doing this?” Rebecca says as she leans in for a kiss. Damn if Greg isn't good at distracting her. Their lips are mere millimeters apart when--

“I knew it!” Paula’s voice echoes around them.

Greg and Rebecca jump apart. Because she was already pressed against her car, though, Rebecca just ends up slamming her elbow on the window.

Her worried eyes don’t leave Greg’s as she rubs her injured joint. “Josh’s apartment is on this side of the street, isn’t it?”

Greg sighs and closes his eyes. “Yes.”

They look up at the building and see everyone watching them from Josh and Valencia’s balcony on the second floor, looking varying degrees of elated (Paula, Josh, and White Josh), annoyed (Valencia), and ambivalent (Hector).

“Sound travels really well from down there,” Valencia says.

“I’m going to be furious later,” Paula calls down, “But right now you guys are really adorable, so I’m gonna let it go.”

Hector says, “I just won $10 in a bet with White Josh over whether you were secretly dating, so thanks!”

“I do not like how that bet turned out,” White Josh chimes in, “but I’m glad you guys are good.”

“I’m sorry we didn’t say anything,” Rebecca calls up.

“We know,” Josh says. “We heard everything.”

“Everything?” Greg echoes nervously.

“That’s right,” Paula answers cheerily. “Now you kids get out of here so we can talk about you. Rebecca, call me later or I’ll hunt you down.”

Rebecca nods emphatically, knowing full well what Paula is capable of. She and Greg sheepishly wave goodbye as they get into Rebecca’s car.

“That was fun,” Rebecca hears Hector say through the open car windows. “Anyone want to have another intervention?”

There’s a chorus of “Shut up, Hector” as they leave him on the balcony.

 

**End**


End file.
